Trying Something Different

I want to share how I work through things from start to finish. From how different emotions crop up to how I deal with and heal them. This is kind of going to be a “real time” blog entry instead of me describing everything after the fact. My main goal is for this blog to be a tool that people can use when they are going through their own healing process. I want this to show them that someone has done it before and that they are not alone. Sometimes, when you are doing this healing work, it can feel like you are a bit lost and confused about where to start or where to go next. I have personally come across many instances where I thought to myself, “Yes I want to heal, I want to do the integration and shadow work, but I just don’t know how”. I didn’t know what my next move should be. I didn’t know how to integrate anything, and I still struggle with what I should do next, but I want to be able to share with you what I do so that you can take it and make it your own to help find what works for you in your journey.

I have been in my bag this past week. I am sad and a little depressed and old doubts and feelings that I thought I was passed are popping up. I wanted to journal about this to try and dig up where these old feelings are stemming from, but I didn’t prioritize time for it yet. I need to journal more often because when I do, I get those stagnant thoughts and feelings flowing out of my body. It makes me feel lighter and more self-aware. So, this week I felt increasingly anxious, and my old insecurities were running rampant. I felt like maybe I was being “too much”, like people didn’t want to be around me. I felt this need to be seen as desirable by others but also like I wasn’t good enough at the same time. I wanted to fit in but felt like an outsider looking in. I felt alone and like I needed to be seen and heard by everyone while also wanting to crawl into my shell and never leave. I was conflicted and contradicting my own feelings and I was so confused as to why I was feeling this way when I haven’t felt most of it in ages.

All these emotions got me thinking about how I used to talk to myself, about how I used to let my ego run rampant and make me feel like I wasn’t good enough. It also reminded me of how far I have come. How I don’t let those thoughts and feelings control me anymore, hell I barely have those thoughts and feelings anymore. I still haven’t quite gotten to the bottom of those kinds of emotions, and I am certain that is why they were brought up. It was my soul’s way of reminding myself that I still have work to do in this area of my life. I need to get in there and journal and find the root of these problems so I can shed light on them and heal them and love this part of myself. I also need to trust myself more. I need to follow through on the things that I tell myself I am going to do. If you start trusting yourself to be there for you then you will become more confident in your own abilities. This was something that I heard very recently and got me thinking that maybe this is where my self-esteem issues lie. Maybe I feel like I can’t trust myself so clearly, I shouldn’t be confident in anything I do. I can’t keep making to-do lists and then not following through on half of the items. I also might need to not put so much on myself because I feel like I’m not doing enough. We need to remember to be kind to ourselves, to not bite off more than we can chew. When we do that, we end up feeling like we have failed in all the things we didn’t do. Instead, we should be feeling proud of all the things we did do. So, my hope is that if I follow through with what I tell myself and journal to get to the core of my insecurities then I will have faith and confidence in myself that I never had before.

The plan is to continue this blog entry later. I will journal and meditate on these issues and insecurities this coming week and come back to let you know how I fared. If I get to the bottom of this, I will tell you where I think these emotions stem from and how I have shed light on them and integrated them. Like I said earlier, I want this to be more of a live action working through my problems so stay tuned!

With all the light and love,

Alyse