Spring Rejeneration

I have been in a bit of a slump as some might call it. I have retreated into the fantasy worlds of books, which I tend to do when I am feeling on the more depressed side. I feel like I cannot do or be anything sometimes. It becomes hard to do the bare minimum, to do anything at all besides read and sleep. Slowly though I have been pushing myself to do more, to be more consistent in my workout routine, to practice meditation, to do simple things like the laundry or vacuuming. Some days/weeks its really easy to do. I may not be excited to work out but I’m willing and it makes me feel good. Other times it feels like just getting off the couch to use the bathroom or make myself food is the most difficult thing I can do. Its hard, and it sucks, and some days I feel like a huge failure, but I am making progress. I have been working out 4-5 days a week for about a month now. I have been trying to make better eating choices, I have been watching YouTube videos about spiritual awakenings and have been trying (unsuccessfully) to incorporate more regular meditation into my schedule. It’s the baby steps, the small victories, that keep me moving forward. Like wearing a pair of earrings, I would have never worn out before and feeling confident and comfortable doing it, like slowly having more days where I love my body and myself, like writing a blog post for the first time in months. It’s a slow frustrating process. I want to be at the end already, where I am happy and content with myself, where I am doing something that fulfills my heart and soul. But unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that, I have to put the effort in myself and its hard but I’m doing it and I’m proud of myself. Every step forward is a step in the right direction, towards becoming my best self.

Winter was hard. I had some minor health issues that had a negative impact on my motivation and my mental health. I had an adverse reaction to some antibiotics, and I just felt so ill for 2 + weeks that I could barely find strength to get out of bed and get dressed in the mornings. As I healed, I still had a hard time keeping up with a routine. I would start one for a few days or even a week but then the weekend would throw things into chaos, and I wouldn’t pick back up with it then next week or even the week after. I started writing out weekly goals on my white board. They are simple goals to establish a routine of sorts. Get out of bed by 6:30 am (by far the hardest one), Work out 4 after work, read for 10 minutes before bed, and meditate. I have a hard time prioritizing meditation. I find that I am always making excuses for reasons not to do it or just completely forgetting that I wanted to do it in the first place. I think part of that is because I have this idea of how meditation “should” be. I put extra pressure on it, and I tell myself it needs to be done first thing in the morning or I feel shy about doing it around my boyfriend even though he is always supportive of me. That last reason goes deeper than me just being shy though. It’s based in a wound from my past where I feel I cannot be my truest self around people. That they will say that I am embarrassing them or think I am weird. I had a lack of confidence in myself before, but a toxic relationship really tore me down. It made me think that my most genuine self was something to be embarrassed about or someone that other people wouldn’t want to know or love. I have come a long way since then but there are some things that are harder to heal than others especially when the wound was there to begin with and was just made worse by someone else feeding those negative beliefs about yourself.

There are the things I have to work on still. The things that slow my growth and make me feel like the progress I make is incremental. Having that routine though, holding myself accountable for doing those 4 things every day or almost every day and not making myself feel like a pile of shit when I don’t do them, is a step in the right direction. It empowers me to know that I can do all of those things, and it allows me to recognize my limits and not be hard on myself if I don’t fulfill all of those goals. There are some days when mentally, working out is too draining, when my eyes and brain are too tired to read before bed. On those days I don’t beat myself up for not being able to meet my goals, but I acknowledge all of the things I did achieve that day and remind myself that I deserve rest too.

I am a work in progress, just like you, just like everyone around us. It’s ok to take a rest day, its ok to fall apart, its ok to retreat inside yourself and make time for you and your healing and its ok to take a break from healing and just be.

With all the light and love,

Alyse

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