This week I think we are going to start to delve into my past a little. I believe that what I am about to write about has some ties into my behaviors and responses to things this week so I figure we will start in the past and work our way here.
When I was in college, I ended up in a really bad relationship. It was toxic and abusive and lasted way longer than it should have. Like any other toxic relationship, it started out amazing, a bit of a whirlwind romance at first. From the moment I first saw her I was drawn to her in a way I had never been drawn to someone before. It was shocking to me, and I very quickly became infatuated with her. Of course, it was all new to me, I had never dated a woman before and had only ever vaguely considered it, but there was just something about her. Even now I don’t know what it was. Maybe it was fate or destiny, I don’t know, all I do know is that I learned a lot of things from this relationship and all of it was done the hard way.
Like I said before, everything started out great, because that’s the way it always starts, we were in love, we barely spent time apart, and we would have those deep meaningful conversations that you imagine having in the beginning of a relationship. I very quickly got swept away in it all, and I didn’t notice that I was slowly being isolated from my friends and family. I didn’t notice that I was being manipulated and abused. Over the course of the first year of us dating, I slowly became a shell of the person I was before. I was scared to make her upset with me, I was afraid to be myself when I was with her, I became dependent on her praise as the definition of my self-worth, I was terrified to make any mistakes. Everything I did was to please her, and it was never enough. She berated and belittled me for the tiniest things. If I dropped or broke something, there was an outburst and I was labeled dumb, incompetent, and clumsy. If I tried to do something nice for her it was only because she had asked me to and therefore it didn’t count. If I did something crafty and sweet, then it was stupid and cheap. If I bought her something, it wasn’t the right thing or it wasn’t expensive enough compared to what she got me. if I succeeded in anything it was because she helped me do it or told me to do it so it was her success not mine. If I tried to talk to her about the way that she spoke to me, I was gaslit and made to think that it was my fault for making her act that way. She had insecurities that she took out on me. Her past exes and treated her a certain way so obviously, I was going to treat her that way too and no matter how much I tried I could never convince her that I wouldn’t do that. This went on for about three years, and there are several reasons that I had put up with it for so long. 1) I felt bad for her, I wanted to show her that I was different, that she was lovable and that I could help her. 2) I felt like it was what I deserved; I hadn’t been the best girlfriend in the past, so I felt like I was paying for what I had done. 3) I also felt trapped, like a was suffocating with her but I would surely die without her. The final straw for me was one day, when we were fighting about something we had fought about several times before, she just completely lost it. Until that point it had been shouting and tears and empty threats of suicide. But this time she went too far. She started throwing things at me, she pushed me down onto a couch and started hitting me. She didn’t do much damage, I very quickly got my feet between us and pushed her off me and she stumbled back and fell. I think that after I did that, she kind of came back into it, started apologizing and crying but I was done. I was out of there. The main problem after that was that we lived together and while I wanted to break up, she gradually pulled be back in, but then the cycle started again, and she wasn’t being exactly faithful, so we broke up again for good shortly after (almost 4 years of dating ugh). I had a really hard time after that.
There was a lot of damage that she had done that I had to patch up on my own. I went through a dark time but that’s a story for another day. The main takeaway is that the damage she did is affecting me to this day, 6 years later. I am currently dating an amazing man. He makes me feel safe and comfortable and confident, but recently old wounds have opened. I’m not sure why yet but they have. We are usually pretty good at communicating, him and I, if he does something that upsets me, we talk about it and apologize and vice versa. This past week however, there have been a few occasions where I did something that bothered him in some way or another, he asked me not to do those things and instead of me being able to say ok no problem I’m sorry, I was forced into this dark place. My thoughts immediately went to, I’m not good enough, he thinks I’m annoying, I’m an idiot, I’m incompetent. Again, I’m not 100% sure of why I am having this reaction suddenly, but I know that it stems from that abuse. However; I have not let myself fall completely into that dark spiral of thoughts, I remind myself that I am not all those things, that I am dating someone who loves me for me, who isn’t embarrassed when I sing and dance in the grocery store, who checks to make sure I’m ok if I break something, who thanks me for cooking dinner or cleaning up and doesn’t make me feel like I’m useless if I’m having an off day. I remind myself that I am loved and that I deserve that love. It took me a long time to get to the place I am today. I am a lot better than I was, but I still have bad days and that’s ok. It really helps when you have a support system, or at least one person in your life to help you drag yourself out of those dark places. If you find yourself in need of someone like that in your life, please reach out to someone. It could be me, a stranger on the internet, a friend you haven’t spoken to in ages or someone you’ve just been afraid to tell your story to. Chances are they will be glad to help you and support you. I know I would be.
With all the light and love,
Alyse
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