Deep Meaningful Connections...Who Needs 'Em?

I have had a hard time trying to decide what to write about the last two weeks, so I just didn’t, BUT, finally inspiration struck earlier this week. I was driving around for work in an area that I spent a decent amount of time in as a teenager when a memory bubbled up from the depths of my subconscious. It was this one time that myself and a couple of friends were walking for “exercise”. I felt called to message one of the people in this memory. Someone I haven’t spoken to in person in close to 10 years. We have exchanged a few messages here and there but nothing substantial. So, I messaged her and asked her to meet up sometime and catch up and maybe make hanging out a regular thing. It took her a long time to respond, which is fine, people are busy, life can get hectic. No hard feelings, but it really got me thinking about how I used to have so many people that I would talk to and hang out with and now I basically have no friends that aren’t related to me aside from my significant other. So this post I am going to be discussing my difficulties with maintaining relationships.

I have this horrible habit of losing contact with everyone that I’ve ever been friends with once we part ways. When I went away to college I lost contact with a lot of people from high school, just like I lost contact with people from grade school when we went to high school, and like I lost contact with people from my old school when I moved into my new school. I wind up in a place (job, school, etc.), make friends, leave said place, and never speak to them again. Now there are some exceptions to this rule but not many and they were mostly made after college. I’m not really sure what the reason behind this is but my anxious and insecure brain always thought that there was something wrong with me. Maybe they think I’m annoying, maybe they think I’m boring, maybe I’m just forgettable. Now that I’m older and a little wiser I just think that I’m not great at maintaining deep meaningful connections with people. Can I make those connections easily? Hell yes! Can I keep them going to a point where someone feels like I am a valuable part of their life? Not so much. Again, there are exceptions to this rule, but I think that this trouble making connections stems from my trouble with talking to people and telling them how I feel. The majority of my past friendships have been superficial and when they weren’t myself or the other person royally fucked it up mostly for selfish reasons, but I digress. The main thing is that I haven’t been able to get deep and vulnerable with most people and I think that has put me at a disadvantage when trying to maintain friendships. I was never really the one someone went to when they were in need, I wasn’t the shoulder to cry on. I could give advice and some comedic relief, but I wasn’t really a “best friend”.

I don’t know if this is true but a lot of the time it felt as though I was an afterthought. I also felt like I never really fit in. Like yeah, I could get along with everyone but there wasn’t a group a belonged to. I always felt like I was an outsider looking in, I mean don’t get me wrong I did participate and have a great time, but I was just outside the tight knit circle, I was included but not let in if that makes sense. I don’t blame this on any of the people I was friends with. I think it was a me thing. Like I said before I just couldn’t make those connections with people at that age. I can’t even say that I’m better now. Some of it is certainly out of site out of mind. I have to work a lot harder than most to keep reaching out to people and maintain relationships. The same goes for my family. If it wasn’t for a conscious effort on my part and theirs to reach out to each other, I could probably go weeks without talking to them or seeing them. I don’t really know why this is. I guess I am just a loner of sorts. Although, it could be some unhealed past life trauma preventing me from speaking my truth and making connections with people because those people hurt me. Or maybe I’m an alien in human skin who has forgotten who they are and where they come from haha. Anyway, the take home here is that I have a really difficult time maintaining relationships. I don’t really know how to make it better at this point, it’s just something I have to keep working on. The girl I messaged did eventually respond to me, and it sounds like she’s interested in catching up at least, so I really hope that something comes from that. Sometimes you just kind of want to have some friends ya know?

With all the light and love,

Alyse

P.S. Does this resonates with you or is there anything you want to hear more about? Perhaps you dealt with something similar and have figured out the key to connecting with people? Either way let me know in the comments! Thank you! 😊