Dealing with the Loss of My Older Sister

Two years ago on June 18, 2020, my older sister passed away. It wasn't a peaceful death, it was bloody and traumatic and I was there for the whole thing. I don't think that now is the time for me to go into all of the gory details but I do think it is fitting to talk about how i have handled my grief so near her anniversary.

I internalize my emotions, almost to the extreme. I don't let people see when I am upset if I can help it and grief is no exception to that. When she first died, obviously I wasn't too worried about showing my pain and sadness but I also felt the need to put my feelings aside to better be there for my family. I have always been seen as the "strong one" or as "emotionless". This is just because I am better than most and putting my emotions aside until they can be dealt with in private. I don't know why I do this but I'm pretty sure I have always done it. Either way, for the first few days I tried to be strong for others and kind of pushed my sadness to the side.

I didn't really cry about it, don't get me wrong, there were times when I sobbed and wailed but it wasn't a regular or frequent occurrence. I felt really numb sometimes, like a robot just going through the motions of everyday life. I journaled about everything that had happened that night and the proceeding days up until her funeral. I did some therapy and was given some good information to read on grief. I don't remember a lot of what I read now but there was something that stuck with me. She had been battling cancer on and off for years. This last bout was really a continuance of her previous bit and she was deteriorating before our eyes. She was in constant pain and my mother was her primary caregiver. She wasn't living anymore, she was just suffering. I had a really hard time seeing her like that. I felt like I couldn't be around her and it made me feel guilty, I was also relieved when she died which just added to my guilt. But, I was relieved because she wasn't suffering anymore, because we all weren't being kept in this constant state of taking care of someone and worrying about how much longer they had to live. I was relieved that it was finally over for all of us and that we could move on from this limbo. Through therapy (which I did via text because I have the hardest time opening up to people in person or over the phone but can handle it no problem through writing), I learned that it was healthy to have a feeling of relief in this situation, that I had in fact been grieving her since before she died and that I didn't need to feel guilty. I was in awe of the fact that you can grieve for someone before they were gone from your life. That little tidbit of information changed a lot about the way I thought and felt about my grief.

I was also heartbroken and honestly furious after her death. I was so mad that she died the way she did, that it was violent and traumatizing and not peaceful like she deserved. I was mad about all the things she didn't get to experience before she died, that she never got to eat anything delicious again, or enjoy the beach one last time. I was angry that her ex husband had ruined the last few months of her life that she could have enjoyed, when she could eat and walk around and wasn't in debilitating pain. I was mad at God for all of the suffering He put her through, suffering that seemed so pointless. Once I got past all my anger all I felt was grateful. Grateful to have had her in my life for the amount of time she was in it, that she was no longer suffering, and that I had the people around me that I did.

Grieving for her has been a journey, one that still sucker punches me right in the gut when I'm least expecting it, but a journey that has brought me to a better place I think.

I saw something today (right before sitting down to write this actually) that Andrew Garfield said on grief. He said that the grief you have for someone is just all of the love for them that you didn't get to express while they were alive. I think that is a beautiful way to look at grief.

I hope that this has helped anyone who is dealing with the loss of a loved one. If it wasn't clear earlier in this post let me just say that therapy is probably the best thing that you can do for yourself when dealing with this or any other type of loss/trauma in your life.

With all the light and love,

Alyse

P.S. I would love to hear from you! If this is something that resonated/helped you please let me know. Also, let me know if there is anything you would like me to write about my experiences on in the future. Thank you ❤